12.29.2015

TOGETHER.


Adverb: with or in proximity to another person or people.

I forgot how beautiful and difficult at the same time it is to be in love.
 
My relationship has never been effortless. I often fall into a black hole of envy admiring the fairytale photos of others. Then I am reminded that I too have those pictures. Amongst all the happy memories and perfect photos are (almost always) hardships. Personally, we disagree a lot.
I blame myself...mostly. If you truly know me, you will know that I am not completely easy to keep in your life; sometimes you would probably rather throw me out. My emotions are high maintenance and my ways are particular. I criticize often and just as wonderful as my words can be, they can also be hurtful. I am ashamed to say that if my boyfriend wasn't so kind and understanding, our relationship would have ended by now. Forgive my corny analogy: Put air (Gemini) into water (Cancer) and you get lovely bubbles. He is my lovely bubbles that keeps me going.
I've read too many articles on relationships and love; two linger obvious in my mind. One which taught me that it is OK (and common) to hate the person you love a little every day. I don't really like to use the word hate, but sometimes my feelings are more than just detest. When the frustrations diminish and/or he looks at me with that I'm sorry face, my heart explodes into fireworks of love, just like it did so many months before. Could the secret ingredient to a happy relationship actually be a little pinch of hate?
How do we know if we love someone? I frequently ask the question. What if he isn't the one? Would I, could I be happier if it was someone else?  Would it be easier with another man? Maybe. Except everything is always a choice. Regardless of his horrible sense of timing, my ability to over analyse every situation or even those ten minutes of daily hate, we keep on choosing each other every day. I now understand I promise to stand beside you through thick and thin, through good and bad, through joy and sorrow.

So for the second year in a row (and only second time in my life) I will have my midnight kiss on December 31st; although we have yet to make any official plans. Perhaps I'm taking this one day at a time thing a little too literal?
Merde.


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