4.28.2013

Brazilian.



Noun: the process of removing all or almost all pubic and other hair in the pelvic area by applying hot wax. 

Every girl remembers her first time. Mine seems as though it were just yesterday. I was eighteen and my best friend at the time had been doing it for awhile already, so I was obviously curious to try it myself. I remember telling the esthetician that it hurt more than my tattoos. I had two at the time; one on my foot, and one on my lower back. Yes, I (regrettably) have a tramp stamp.
I continued the process for quite a few years after that. The more you do it, the less it hurts. It really wasn’t so bad anymore. Then my beloved esthetician got engaged and moved to Greece. This was a huge issue. It had taken a few trial and errors to find a girl I could count on. Let me assure you that not every waxer with a diploma knows what she’s doing. I had to say goodbye to the first woman after her overly perfectionist attitude caused excessive waxing over the same area to pull off my skin. That was not a good time.
Two years later I bumped into the favourite who had moved to Greece and became so overly excited assuming she was back. She was only visiting. My bubble burst extremely fast.
Ever since then my waxing ritual was never the same. I tried a few different places but was never satisfied. I soon became a social waxer. Going only for special occasions; the last instance was two years ago before a Mexico trip.
This past Thursday I decided to make an appointment for a wax; Friday I went to get the wax. I received a good reference, so I figured it was about time to try again. When I walked into the salon, it was clean and busy (which is always a good sign), I was greeted nicely and told to take a seat. I wasn’t so nervous. My name was soon called and I was led down the corridor to a small room by a young Indian lady. She told me to prepare and she would be back shortly. As I lied on the paper covered bed waiting for her return, I silently prayed for as little pain as possible.
At first it wasn’t as dreadful as I remembered. She complimented my nail polish and made me feel comfortable. She wasn’t exactly gentle, but she wasn’t overly rough either. It seemed to go from mediocre to bad in two point five seconds. She asked if I had shaved prior to this appointment. I told her I hadn’t actually received a wax in quite some time. At this point I wondered if esthetician’s automatically grow feelings of hatred for their clients when they hear this. It’s as if they resent you for making their job more difficult. Hair that has been previously shaven is much more coarse and stubborn to remove.
So it began. Sweat started to form on my upper lip as she ripped the wax fabric strips from my pelvic region. It seemed as though she was now on a mission and there was no ounce of niceness left to be seen. All she saw was the finish line. My body flinched in uncontrollable spasms every time she pulled. I stared at the ceiling wishing for it to be over. I think at one point I was holding my breath for so long it caused her to question if I was OK. Yes, yes I am fine. Please continue with the torture. My vagina was screaming in pain. The air felt like knives. There are only so many times that hot wax can be poured onto and teared off of your labia before it can be considered inhumane. At one point I even considered asking her to stop.
OK it’s done.
She doused my pelvic region with baby powder as if to extinguish the fire. The nice Indian lady reappeared and as she left me to dress, she politely and happily told me it was very nice to meet me. Yes, very nice to meet you too. Thank you for making my vagina cry.
Ten years later I have seven tattoos, one being on my ribs which are apparently a very sensitive area to be inked upon.  I am also in the process of removing tattoo number eight (no, unfortunately not the tramp stamp). I still agree that a Brazilian wax is more painful than getting a tattoo. However I can now add that is more painful than getting AND removing a tattoo.

That being said, I made another appointment for three weeks time.
Merde.


4.26.2013

T.G.I.F

Abbreviation:
Thank God it's Friday.











A puppy and an inked man; is that so much to ask for?!
Merde.

4.25.2013

Reminisce.


Verb: Indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events.

I have to admit that I am an avid throwback Thursday poster on instagram. So I knew it wouldn’t be long before I incorporated a nostalgic (Thursday) post on the blog...




I need to pay attention to Diana King circa nineteen ninety-five; bad boys are my weakness.
Merde.
 





 



4.19.2013

Correction



Noun:
The action or process of correcting something.
A change that rectifies an error or inaccuracy.

I’d like to believe that I admit to my mistakes; although I am sure some would argue this is not always the case. Twenty-four hours later, I’ve become conscious of the fact that I may have published a piece of false advertisement. Unfortunately a woman will not always contact a man if/when she wants to. Along with being complicated, we are also fragile creatures. When it comes to certain males we may feel intimidated and/or vulnerable which will result in devoting hours upon hours of over thinking and analysing the situation; usually with our closest girl friends. In the end, we just may not contact you in order to save ourselves the cost of potentially being turned down.

Dear men, this is when you need to take a hint in the opposite direction. I recognize that your job as the man is not an easy task, but please be observant. If you have been friends with her for numerous years; if she answers every one of your text messages, even if you text her at three AM and her response comes only the next morning because she was asleep; if she smiles constantly in your presence and gives you those bedroom eyes that only a girl who has a crush on a boy gives, then please realize that she has an interest in you. 

My advice is to make a move. But like a real move; a move you’ve never made with her before. Because sometimes as a woman, we just lack the confidence needed to initiate that first move. Give it a try; maybe you’ll hit a home run.

Haha. That last line was so cheesy; I blame it on the ah ah ah ah ah ah ah alcohol.
Merde.


4.18.2013

Hint.



Verb: Suggest or indicate something indirectly or covertly.

Recently I’ve realized that many males do not know when to give up. I’m not sure if the ongoing persistence is a direct response to the reality that we as females are very complicated creatures (yes I admit that we are and I sympathize with all males for having to deal with us) or if some men are simply oblivious and/or dumb.

Dear men, let me give you a piece of advice: either read or watch “He’s Just Not That Into You” and amend the He to a She. It works both ways, in every way. If she wants to contact you, she will. I mean, she may over think the entire situation and it will most probably take her longer than it should; but in the end she will be in touch. Also, if she doesn’t respond to you, get a clue. Chances are she’s just not that into you. Whatever you do, do not continue to message her without receiving a reply.  Let’s compare this to baseball; three strikes you’re out, right? If you don’t hear from her after three attempts, stop trying.

That (single) friend from previous posts unfortunately finds herself dealing with these types of males more often than not. In the defence of man, she is pretty irresistible and so I’m not sure if I would surrender after three tries either. Let’s observe one of her facebook conversations (please note that the spelling/grammar errors are copied):

6 Feb 12:30 PM
HIM: Lol, whered u go?
HER: im at work
HIM: Oh lol!! Oops sorry!!
HIM: Whered do u work
HIM: I always think im talking to ppl at home on there computers!!

8 Feb 2:17 PM
HIM: Howdie!!

10 Feb 12:35 PM
HIM: Hey!!

HIM: So where do you work?

11 Feb 8:22 PM
HIM: Lol,so where fdo u work? Hi

13 Feb 10:32 AM
HIM: Lol, how goes?

15 Feb 12:13 PM
HIM: What a small world!! *laughing emoticon*

17 Feb 11:23 PM
HIM: I guess not then!? *laughing emoticon*

6:14 PM
HIM: U there?

19 Feb 12:56 PM
HIM: Lol, r u always at work? Or are u just ignoring me? LoL

22 Feb 8:11 PM
HIM: So I guess thats a no on us ever chilling?

9:38 PM
HIM: ??

HIM: Lol, normally when someone is trying to have a conversation with someone there is at least some type of resppnse??

HIM: Or u can just sAy fuck off, at least id get the picture and id stop wasting my time...Lol

25 Feb 9:57 AM
HIM: M to L!! Lol

HIM: K well, i was just trying to be friends, and chat but i guess u don’t want that so..
 



If the above can’t deter you from your relentless ways, then you are probably destined to be forever alone because that shit CRAY.
Merde.